Is it just me, or does it sometimes feel like our kids are plotting against us — or similar to The Parent Trap, conspiring to get what they want!
To make it worse, they have this absolutely adorable and irresistibly cheeky smile and sparkle in their eye that makes it nearly impossible to say “no.” Right?
Yup! Parenting can be a challenge, especially when it comes to setting rules, establishing boundaries, and, well, saying “no.”
Little Miss A is quickly grasping that “no,” accompanied by a stern finger wag, means she shouldn’t be doing something — like throwing your water bottle on the ground! Yet, she’s also very quickly figuring how to test these boundaries. She’ll look me dead in the eyes, with that mischievous glint, and then —BAM! — said water bottle is on the ground … for the 50th time. COME. ON!
Anyone with kids knows that parenting is no, well, walk in the park! It’s tough.
And no matter how many times you might have said, “Oh, I’d NEVER do that as a parent” or “I’d NEVER allow my child to behave like that” before having kids, the reality is: life after kids is a whole different ball game.
Most of the time you’re rollin’ around town in SURVIVAL mode once you’ve had kids, with those preconceived parenting ideas and judgements gone out the window! Amirite?
When push comes to shove … and you have a screaming 1-year-old demanding your attention … you sometimes find yourself doing or allowing things you swore you wouldn’t — GASP!
Well, hold up for a moment because while it might be tough to SAY NO in those desperate moments of parental survival, it’s super important not to fall into what parenting experts are calling the PERMISSIVE PARENTING TRAP!
The permissive parenting … what?
In a nutshell, as clinical psychologist Dr Mary Ann Little PhD explains in her article for Psychology Today, ‘How Permissive Parents Hurt Their Children’ — how’s THAT for a headline. Yikes! — permissive parenting is when we try to keep kids happy at all costs.
It basically refers to giving in to every single request, setting no or very few boundaries, and shying away from tough but important lessons.
While it might be fun to be that “COOL PARENT” (looking at you, Mrs George) … kids need healthy boundaries, rules and discipline.
As parents we don’t need to be saying YES to everything … in fact, we shouldn’t be overly permissive.
Because as our kids grow, they’re going to face real-world frustrations, and they need skills to handle them.
If we constantly shield them from disappointment and the word “no”, they’re more likely to develop a low tolerance for frustration, anger management issues, or even a sense of entitlement.
And the stakes are higher than we might think.
Recent research has shown that the type of parenting kids receive doesn’t just impact behavior — it can actually shape their brain development.
An international team of researchers studied 173 young people over 21 years to see how different parenting styles affect brain growth.
The findings are pretty eye-opening.
For kids who experienced harsh parenting, researchers observed notable differences in brain development, particularly in areas related to stress and emotional regulation.
In early childhood, harsh parenting seemed to create widespread changes in the brain, with ongoing differences that remained noticeable through later childhood.
This can leave children more susceptible to anxiety and difficulty managing emotions as they grow older.
On the flip side, kids who received warm parenting — characterised by encouragement, empathy, and appropriate limits — showed positive brain development.
These children had more localised structural differences in middle childhood, with fewer issues in emotional regulation.
What’s especially important here is that warmth and structure seemed to play a protective role: those who experienced consistent, warm parenting had lower rates of anxiety and depression in young adulthood, even during high-stress times like the COVID-19 pandemic.
How to be a balanced parent
For those of us who’ve ever felt that setting limits might hurt our bond with our kids, the study mentioned above offers a powerful reminder.
Warmth isn’t about saying “yes” all the time.
It’s about creating a safe, supportive environment where our kids know they’re loved and can handle setbacks.
So, how do we strike a balance?
Dr Little provides some of the following tips:
- Remember, saying “no” is a form of love: Giving in to every request won’t do them any favors. The occasional “no” is a life lesson in resilience, and it helps them understand that they’re not the centre of everyone’s world. They’ll thank you for this when they’re older and better equipped to manage real-world challenges.
- Create structure through small responsibilities: Tasks like cleaning up toys or helping around the house help kids feel like they’re contributing members of the family. This teaches patience and builds self-discipline — a key element in handling disappointment and frustration.
- Encourage earned rewards: If they want something new, like a toy or gadget, set achievable goals they can work toward. This builds patience and teaches that effort and reward go hand-in-hand. It’s a life skill they’ll carry with them far beyond childhood.
- Guide with warmth and limits: Empathise when they’re struggling, but don’t rush to fix every problem. Let them work through challenges so they can build problem-solving skills and confidence. Warmth doesn’t mean leniency — it means you’re there for support, not as a constant safety net.
Parenting can feel like dodging landmines at times, but setting boundaries and saying “no” isn’t just necessary — it’s an act of love.
Being a balanced parent means giving our kids the tools they need to face the world confidently while making sure they know they’re deeply cherished and supported.
So, let’s be more than just the “cool mum” — let’s be wise and nurturing and guide our kids to what they really need.
I’m not like a regular mum! I’m a cool, balanced, boundary-setting mum! *Cough!* … Or something like that! Ha.
After all, in this wild adventure called parenting, it’s the lessons we teach today that will help our kids become the resilient adults of tomorrow.
x G.
editor, journalist, digital content creator with a background in nutrition & dietetics.
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